“Killing Time” Thoughts on Dealing with Christians and Other Kindred Vermin

Michael Rose

I occasionally get letters from people asking me how best to deal with Christians—although from time to time other groups will be named, most similar to Christians in some sense or other. Perhaps the best answer is to deal with them as briefly, and as infrequently, as possible. However, this answer is seldom considered satisfactory by these inquirers. What follows are a few thoughts on the subject.

Some people want to know: “How can you convince these people that they are wrong and you are right?” My first thought is, “Who cares?” Such debates generally go nowhere. If this is something that you feel is really important, all you can do is set your facts and evidences forth. If your audience is like most Christians, you will accomplish little or, more likely, nothing by doing so. To a Christian, the only “facts” that matter are found between the covers of a Bible. You cannot reason with people who believe that their God has exalted the foolish and chooses to work through miracles. Ask yourself this question: “Why am I so concerned with what this idiot thinks of me and my beliefs and ideas?”

Others ask how best to win Christians over to our side. I normally respond to such a question with one of my own: “Who wants them?” Let’s pretend for a moment that you were actually able to convince this Christian halfwit that Satanism is the way to go—what then? I’ll tell you what. Before long the misguided fool will be looking, for a cat, goat, or baby to sacrifice to Satan—his “personal savior” who has now replaced Jesus. Why? Because he won’t accept our definition of Satanism; he’ll look to what his former Christian brethren define as Satanism. These people can’t understand Satanism, are plainly unsuited to a Satanic philosophy of life, and introducing them to one isn’t going to make things better for anybody. There are few things worse than a Christian who decides to devote himself to “sin and wickedness.” They will become pointlessly destructive and will wind up making a horrible mess of everything with which they come in contact. You think that they are a nuisance as Christians? Try and “convert” them all to “Satanism,” then you’ll find out what assholes they can be when they really try. As Christians, they are usually feeble and ineffectual enough. It’s best to let sleeping lambs lie, but persistently annoying lambs can make good “lamb chops.” More on that later.

[Christians] can’t understand Satanism, are plainly unsuited to a Satanic philosophy of life…”

Some of my inquirers want to know how they can convince Christians that we are really nice people. Answer: You can’t. If you are a Satanist, then by Christian standards, you are not a nice person. The mere fact that you choose to identify with what they perceive as the source of “Ultimate Evil” tells them that you are not nice. Learn to live with it. Again, why do you care about what they think of you? Are they people you know well? If so, they ought to be able to decide from direct experience whether you are a nice guy. If they would think that you are nice enough, except for that awful name you stick on yourself, then they are obviously not worth your time. Let’s face facts here. You are not going to be popular with Christians if you call yourself a Satanist. Why would anyone think otherwise?

What many of these questioners fail to take into account is that it isn’t just a question of freedom of choice. Truly committed Christians, and I’m not talking about nominal Christians or social Christians here, cannot be other than what they are. You’ve all heard the old saw about describing red to a person with color blindness—it can’t be done. It’s the same with trying to gain acceptance from a true Christian. Nominal and social Christians can be won over to some degree, because their dedication to Christianity (and thus commitment to hating its “enemies”) is far more tenuous, being born out of laziness, habit, or social convention. But I can’t really see why anybody would want to devote the time and energy needed to accomplish such a pointless task. Still, if you’ve got the time to kill, then you are certainly free to try.

Some have written, wondering how best to attack them. I have decided that the best weapon to use against this rabble is a sense of humor. Normally, a Christian so dedicated to his religion that he will accost you about yours regards it as some sort of sacred duty. He treats it as something very solemn and sacred. If you try to debate with him you will get nowhere. In fact, if you argue it will tell him that you regard his childish superstitions as something to be taken seriously, thus puffing him up even more. On the other hand, if you sneer, mock, or laugh at him, show him that you find his beliefs to be too ludicrous to possibly debate seriously, then he will flee the field in search of a more “serious” opponent. Meaning: he wants one who will play along and give him the opportunity to see himself as a sort of crusader for God and all things righteous, one who will validate him. I’d rather not play their game. One definition of “roast” is to severely ridicule. As I said earlier, if a “lamb of God” gets out of line, make “roasted lamb chops.”

The trouble is, most of those who are writing to me are so grimly solemn and serious about their “Satanic cause” that they have little sense of humor about it. They take Christianity seriously because they mistakenly see about them a vast cosmic struggle of “Good vs. Evil.” Now, while I would definitely agree that the Christians and their ilk have done a truly impressive job of messing things up, and they continue to be a nuisance at times, this certainly does not mean that you should take them seriously. Give serious consideration on how best to deal with the problems they cause and have caused, but you certainly should not play into their hands and boost their already inflated sense of self-importance by treating these ignoramuses and their idiotic beliefs seriously.

For further study I would suggest that you read The Devil’s Notebook by Anton LaVey (why haven’t you already read it?). Pay particular attention to the essays “Let Me Entertain You” and “The Whoopie Cushion Shall Rise Again.” Both of these touch upon the vital role a sense of humor plays for every Satanist.

This essay is copyrighted © by Michael Rose, 2000 c.e. and may not be reproduced without permission.